The Vain Vampire


I really loathe my pointy teeth,
They stick out when I smile,
Thank god I can’t be photographed,
My selfies would be vile.

My skin’s a deathly shade of pale,
My breath would kill a cat,
There’s woodlice living in my cape,
My trousers smell of rat.

My nails are sharp like razors,
My eyes are bloodshot red,
I once was drop-dead gorgeous,
Now women just drop dead.

My jet-black hair is streaked with grey,
My six pack’s disappeared,
The zombies laugh when I walk past,
The werewolves think I’m weird.

So please send your donations,
Support this poor dead freak,
Ten pounds will buy me makeup,
(I only wear Clinique).


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